Eastenders  Nowhere else to go
by Azzamonkeyman
Summary: It's the day of Ronnie's court hearing, and she couldn't care less if she went to prison for life. The only thing bothering her was the guilt that ate away at her mind every single day of her miserable life. Life wasn't worth living, not anymore... R&R


Ronnie looked in the mirror at herself, dressed up nicely for her Court Hearing. A black frilly dress, above the knee, adorned with white outlined butterflies and poke-a-dots and a stylish pair of black heels. Her hair was down, straightened and brushed neatly into place, the long strands of blonde covering her shoulders. She stared at her face, trying to feel scared, trying to see an ounce of anxiety in her face, but there was none. She wasn't worried about going to prison. She could get put away for life and she would be alright with it. The only thing on her mind was guilt. And that's the only thing that had been on her mind, for months now…Guilt… Clouding her mind like a storm, but it only ever got worse. There was no sunshine anymore. And to go with the guilt was an everlasting sorrow, which seemed to worsen and bring along the rain when she thought back on all the pain in her life.

Ronnie and Roxie sat on the sofa of their home, both young girls without a care in the world. Ronnie was playing with Roxie's hair, pretending to be a hairdresser and waving a pair of plastic scissors past her fringe.

"You better not touch my hair!" Roxy warned her big sister.

"Do you actually think I would? I'm not insane!" She laughed.

She sat the scissors down and picked up a hairbrush and began brushing the hair of the little girl in front of her, the little girl that she was closer to than anyone else in this world.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with me and Mum to the cinema?"

Ronnie nodded, "Yes, I'm sure. I'm not in the mood for a movie."

"But I'm picking the what movie we see, not Mum!" Roxy grinned.

"Oh, even more reason not to go!" Her older sister joked.

Roxy took the hairbrush and turned around to face Ronnie. "I'm serious though, we never spend time together anymore."

"Yes we do… We went to the park."

"Yeah, like, weeks ago! You always stay in and do chores."

Ronnie sighed, "I know, but Dad tells me too, I have no choice."

Roxy rolled her eyes, "It must be because you're the oldest. I obviously can't be trusted to hoover up and dust the ornaments." She crossed her arms grumpily.

Her sister laughed out loud, "Yes, because when you're dancing you tend to break the nearest thing, and that's without even touching it… imagine you going near Mum's porcelain pieces with a feather duster!"

The both burst out laughing and Roxy stood up and began dancing wildly, thrashing her arms around. Ronnie went red in the face watching her little sister go crazy in the middle of the sitting room. Just then, their mother Glenda walked in, looking glamorous. She clapped her hands, as if getting a group of soldiers into line.

"C'mon Rox, we've got to get going, we don't want to miss the film, do we?" she smiled and lifted Roxy as she ran into her mothers arms, the child taking in the smell of her perfume and hairspray. "You sure you don't want to come Veronica?"

Ronnie smiled and shook her head politely. "No thanks, I have plans."

As Ronnie said this, their father Archie walked into the room, a strange expression on his face. He looked at Ronnie and winked. She didn't quite know what to make of this.

"Okay then, let's go princess!" Glenda headed for the door after giving Archie a kiss on the cheek. "You two have fun!" she shouted into the hallway as she shut the door.

Archie closed the sitting room door slowly, a menacing grin stretching over his face. He glared at Ronnie admiringly. "Oh… we will." . . .

Ronnie shuddered. A breeze was coming in through the window. She walked over and was about to shut it, when she saw Kat and Alfie walking out of the Queen Vic. Kat looked tense, watching around her defensively as she held Tommy. Passers by watched the couple, not knowing whether to say "good afternoon!" or " Good luck in court." Alfie tried to put on a brave face, waving merrily to his punters, trying to ignore the fact that Kat was jumping at the sight of her own shadow. Ronnie realized that she was staring. She snapped out of her trance and shut the window, the task she was going to do originally. She went into the kitchen and turned on the tap, filling a glass with ice cold water. As she leaned over the sink she noticed her locket dangling from her neck, shimmering in the sunlight.

Ronnie cried out in agony as her heart broke, cradling her dying daughter in her arms. Janine stood outside of the car, gazing at Danielle as she lay on the road, lifeless. The car headlights lit up the two blonde women like angels on a dark night in the Square. Danielle was trying to speak, but Ronnie told her not to waste her energy. She had to keep strong, keep fighting. The dying girl, who had just been sent flying down the road by a speeding vehicle, took one last look at her mother, who had only just found out she had a daughter. Her large, blue, twinkling eyes began to close, and then, she was gone.

She stood in the middle of the kitchen, adoring the baby picture of James inside Danielle's locket. Both her children were with them, even if it was only small items to remind her. To remind her of what she had, to remind her of what she had always wanted, and ultimately, to remind her of what she's lost. She wiped away a single tear as it trickled down her cheek, taking a deep breath to compose herself. She headed into the bedroom that she shared with her husband Jack. He really was the love of her life. He had stood by her in all of this, the ups and the downs… mainly downs, but even still, she was the luckiest woman alive to have him. However, she felt that he could do much better than her. He didn't have to marry her, but he did. And when the truth came out about stealing Kat's baby and swapping him with her dead child, he didn't leave her. He was shocked, and angry and upset, but somehow he understood. Possibly because it was his son that had died too. James was only hours old…

The shadows of the trees outside were like claws scraping the wall paper around her. It was dark and eerily quiet. The apartment was empty. Jack was away working abroad. It was only Ronnie and her dead newborn baby. She held it close to her chest, the cold corpse in her hands totally limp. It was like a plastic doll. No life in it whatsoever. He whimpered softly, kissing his head, her heart trying to hold itself together, but after so much suffering, there wasn't much left to shatter. Why was it always her? Why had she had two children and lost them both. Was she going to be such a bad mother that God had to prevent her even having the kids in the first place? No! She knew she could make a good mother, she just needed a chance to prove it, she needed someone to believe in her, she needed… a baby.

She looked down at Tommy's pink cheeks as he lay in James' cot, sleeping soundly. Ronnie smiled and stroked his hair lovingly, feeling happy again. She didn't think about what she had just done, she just looked at Tommy's chest, as it went up and down, showing that he was breathing. A living baby, that Ronnie could call her own, her own little James. Now she would show them what a good mother she could be.

Ronnie gazed at the empty half of the bedroom where the cot once stood. It was gone now, dismantled by Jack in a burst of furious energy. His grief obviously worsened by the fact that his wife had hidden James' death and swapped him with Tommy. An unbelievable act, but Ronnie wasn't well. She hasn't been for a long time. So much had happened in her life, Her father raping her as a child, finding Danielle after a lifetime apart and losing her so tragically, only to lose her second child hours after he was born. And to top all that off, her sister's boyfriend Michael, also the father to Tommy, was trying to frame Ronnie by putting her locket in Tommy's pram. Her sister was enraged when Ronnie tried to deny it, but it looked bad on her part. Michael was a sly, manipulative, evil human being. He reminded her of Archie… but Roxy was smart, she would break away from it eventually… she knew how to protect herself, and above all was Amy, and Roxy would never let a man stay in her life that she knew was a danger to her daughter. Ronnie felt settled in her mind knowing this, but even still, she couldn't believe that Michael would try and tear them apart like this. She stole his baby, yes, but she returned

She had looked about the wardrobe for something belonging to her husband, who was once a police officer, and she had found it. She held it tightly in her hand, the cold metal almost comforting against her burning emotions.

She put pen to paper, and began to write…

"I have hurt you all, and I know that. There is no excuse for what I've done, and no jail sentence will take away the guilt, shame and disgust or will erase what happened. You're suffering, but all this time, has anyone stopped to think about how I've felt over not just the past few months, but the past few decades? My mind is a mess, and I don't know where I'm heading in life anymore. I don't have anything for me in Walford, or anywhere else in this world. I don't want your sympathy or pity. I just want to speak the truth. My husband deserves better, but Jack, I love you so much, and I don't regret marrying you, I regret letting you stay with me. Roxy, you are always going to be my baby sister, and I hope you remember that, no matter how far apart we are. Michael is no good, and you will learn that soon, I hope. Take care of Amy, and cherish each day, because we never know when it may be our last. Roxy, I love you more than anything else in the world, and we will always be the Mitchell sisters, together forever! X x x"

She took one last glance at the letter and smiled contently, happy with her words. She knew that they would find it. She sat it on the end of the bed, and turned to the door. She began walking, holding Jack's metal object in her hand tightly, shaking like a leaf. Her blue eyes stared directly at the bathroom door, tears building up in them, forcing their way out, jumping overboard before the S.S. Veronica sank. She went into the bathroom and shut the door behind her. It was quiet for a second… and then one gunshot rang out, echoing loudly around the empty apartment. There was a thud, as Ronnie's body fell to the ground… it was an end to her misery, and what Kat Moon would call "justice" . . . some may call it a cowards way out, but where else can you go when you've hit rock bottom?


End file.
